Reminiscence of my past..

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger” - Camus, Albert

Here I am again, late at night, alone, thinking, hurting and reminiscence of the past. The past where I used to be a teenager. Tonight, I don't know why but now I remembered why there was one time (okay, maybe more than just once) in the past that I want to run away from home so badly. This pain in my heart, it hurts so bad. I knew that its the past, and I don't exactly remembered what and how it happened, but the feeling that I felt at that time linger in my heart forever, just like it is now. The feeling of unsatisfied, controlled, weak, helpless, afraid, anger and etc but just can't let it out.

I know that the teenager's time was a time where a person build their character and prepare for the next phase of life, guided and not just left hanging alone. When I look back at those times, it pissed me off. Those feeling from that time still haunt me today because the trigger is still the same. Yeah, I do have a lot of good memories from the past but when I go back home, I'm stuck in these horrible feeling again.

Yeah, I admit that I want to run away. Before and even now. But I just don't have the gut to do it before. I've got nowhere to go. But its different now that I got a job at a far away place. So, in the end I force myself to bear with it. Every family have problems. Mine as well. Words can be sharper than arrow and pierce my heart completely. It hurts. Everytime, everyday and everywhere I heard those stupid words.

Even now, I'm all grown up but still couldn't get away with it. I love my family like a lot but some people just took it for granted. FGS I'm not a child anymore, I'm 24 already. Stop making me feel like I'm nothing. Please wake up..Gush don't make me hates you cause I'm starting to..

"This pain is just too real, these wounds won't seem to heal, there's just too much that time cannot erase"

P/S: Just writing the words in my mind and the feeling that comes with it.

“Questioning anything within doubt,will just bring mind to no certainty.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Two things that I love yet hate at the same time are home & night. Just realize it just now but these two affect my life more than I can think of. Both of it have the similarities of causing me having the thought of " I can't do it", "I'm not confidence", "Can I do it ?" etc..Both of these time cause me having doubt in my capabilities.

Yeah, I think that I'm fragile at home and night. For example, when something came up I think rationally & make a really thought decision about it. But when I'm in bed at night, I'll start thinking irrational and re-thinking my decision. Same goes when I'm at home. I'll start feeling insecure, in confident and doubting myself. Thought of stuff like " Am I capable of doing it ?", "What if I doing that instead of doing this?" This will circle around my head and bother me all day long. Gosh..I'm helpless. Maybe because I'm too pampered or too dependent on my family that I can't do anything on my own. Maybe I just can't do anything without anyone beside me. I dun know. Even now I'm doubting my grammar.

Ow man, this is terrible. Maybe I'm just not a risk-taker. Maybe I'm just afraid that I will regret my decision or action later. Maybe ow maybe. The word "maybe" repeat like a million times already. Just ignore me, I'll just scroll for funny tumblr and forget about everything...yeah EVERYTHING!!!

Siang, Malam Dan Subuh

Siang, Terang cahayamu tak mampu menerangi hatiku yang suram, Aku hanya mampu melihat cahaya harimu berlalu pergi, Sehari bagaikan sesaat, Berlalu sekelip mata. Malam, Gelapmu menerangi hidupku, Andainya kau boleh berkata-kata, Menemaniku di kala ku sendiri, Mententeramkan jiwaku yang kosong ini, Ku senang akan hadirmu, Seandainya kau tidak mengalah pada subuh, Akan ku setia di sisimu. Subuh, Ku senang akan dakapanmu, Akan tetapi hadirmu membawa berita, Siang datang menjelma, Dan aku harus menempuh realiti, Realiti kehidupan pada waktu terang cahaya..

feel like I'm dying's moments?

This is one of the time of my life when I face the cruelty of life. Everything went wrong and happened exactly the opposite for what you have planned. Everything is a mess. I lost in my own thought, keep touching my toes, something swelled in my lungs but just can't figure what it is, feels like crying but no tears, I just feel like I'm dying from all of the problem.

I know that life isn't always fair, but I never know that it could be this cruel. I've plan like everything in my life but failed. But it's alright, I get it. So I plan again and again and again and its keep failing. Somewhere, somehow its making me want to give up everything. There was a moments when I felt so weak inside and alone. Its not like I'm alone like alone but people around me just couldn't do anything either to help me. I get that. That is why I feel weak, helpless and lonely.

I got so much to do but I can't seem to focus on one of it. Just lost in my own thought for hours. Crying? Its not enough to describe my feeling. Can I wish that everything was just a nightmare and when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be like nothing happen? Yeah, right..The voice in the back of my head scream IN YOUR DREAMS!!!!!

well, I guess I gotta gather my soul and every last drop of whats left of me to face my problem and walk down that grown up world...Yeah, lets do that

Love or to be loved?

“When I look in the mirror, I know I’m looking at someone who isn’t sure she deserves to be loved at all.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

I remembered when I was riding a bus from KL to Kajang last month, there was an old couple sitting beside me. They were holding hand. The couple were like in their mid 50's. They kept talking about their children. One time the old lady asked her husband whether its cold in there and took out a small blanket for them. Its so sweet to saw something like that. Even though they've married for a long time, they still have "the thing" that keep them together. I'm not really sure whether its love that keep them together but isn't nice to have someone staying with you for the rest of your life.

I like the idea of having someone loved you for being you, you loving them as well, taking care of each other, share the pain & the joy etc. I love to have that kind of connection with someone. I'm jealous of the people that have the chance to do so. And for me, its not the time yet. I just didn't meet the right person yet.

Sometimes, when I saw those couple I'll will ask myself where have I done wrong. I'll wait for my Mr Right but sometime I'll become impatient and keep asking myself why. Am I don't deserve to be loved or where did I've done wrong? I guess I'm not gonna find the answer now but soon. I'll just have to be a little patient. He'll be here. Soon.

Far from reality

“At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Just when I feel safe and comfortable with my new life, things happened and break my comfortable cocoon. I hate changes. It makes me feel insecure. I intend to stay in this way for 2 or 3 years more until I have more experience in this job and become a more mature person but Allah just have other plan for me. I don't know and I don't want to expect anything. That is because everything that I was expecting for didn't actually go the way that I expected. I'm just tired to think what will happen next. Life is harsh and unexpected. Reality is just cruel.

It is not us to tell what is right and wrong...

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
― Paulo Coelho

Personally I don't mind when other criticize me for my wrongdoing or when I'm making a mistake. I admit it that it is a right thing to do. But sometime its end up causing me feel irritated. Why? It is not about what they are saying but it is about how they say it. Its the way they talked, the word they choose, their gesture when they say it etc.

My friend know me as a "no feeling" person. It is because in a situation that a person should get mad, I just don't. It is just that I don't mind. But when its get into me, I'll really get mad. Sometime they just took me for granted.They'll just randomly say thing but they just don't realize that its hurting me like a lot. Criticize me, I don't mind but please choose a better word. It hurts more especially when its your so called "Friend". Isn't they suppose to be the one who understand us more.

I just want to say that I HAVE FEELING TOOOO!!!!!Please consider that...

Love? Love? Love?

“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.” ― Chuck Palahniuk Love is a mysterious thing. I'm always amaze how "love" can turn a person's life upside down. How it can bring pain and happiness to a person's life. For me, "love" brings more pain. It is always end before it started. Its hurt than breaking up. At least when I'm breaking up with someone, I know that it is over between us. But when it comes to unrequited love, the pain is unbearable. I read a status of a friend of mine in FB "Sometimes you hurt yourself more than anyone, only for keeping your feelings hidden". Yeah, I guess I can relate to that. I keep my feeling for myself a few time now and in the end, it is me who got hurt. I just don't have that courage to take the first step. And as times goes by, my crush got a girlfriend or worse, I give it up because the pain for loving them secretly is unbearable. In the end, I force myself to see them as a friend in a hard way. Call me a coward in love but it is hard for me to start first. I just don't have the confidence to say "I like you" because I'll always think that I myself is not good enough especially in my appearance (Ok, I admit it. I'm not a so called "pretty girl"). There's one time when I started to have that feeling again and I actually (finally) have the courage to started the first step..And well, he kinda responded to me (gosh, he's so cute)..But you know the feeling when you talking to a person that you like and somehow you just got the eerie, uneasy feeling. Like something is wrong. Well, I got that feeling when I'm talking to him. It turns out that he have a girlfriend (a pretty one :( ) but he still want to be friend with me. Gosh, I try to pass it and accept him as a normal friend, but I just can't. Its hurt when I saw their picture together and the way he treated me (like a normal friend)..It breaks my heart. And so, I decided to not to keep in touch with him anymore . Hope that he is happy with her. And now, it started again. Its been a few years after the other guy thing. And as expected, it is the same case again. The famous case of the unrequited love of mine. When I saw him for the first time, I knew that I'm going to get myself in a trouble again. I try not to think about it (him) but it just keep getting stronger. I can't stop thinking about him. It was a torture. I can't stay my eyes out of him. And then comes second week, third week, fourth week and it continues..But then I heard a news about him with other girl..And so here we are again, battling inside. My mind vs my heart. My mind says it is impossible between us and my heart says I'm so in love with him. But I think my mind is winning by reasoning: First: It is impossible between us Second: He doesn't even like you & just see you as a friend Third: Please wake up, he is not for you, hes in love with someone Starting the first step? Again? See how it goes? NO!!! I'm done with it. I'm not gonna do it anymore like the last time. I might get hurt again. Call me a coward but I better end it before it start. Either one, the result is the same. I'll just end up hurting myself again. Sometimes, I think that "love" irritate me. Sometimes I wish that my heart is cold so that I won't get that feelings and won't get hurt again. I guess I'll just wait for my "Mr Right" to find me. My heart is wearing out. I'm just tired. And for now, lets just wait and see how it go. “Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?” ― James Patterson p/s: Lots of error in my grammar but can't help it..Its been a long time since I write something in English.

I'm a Teacher?

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
― Douglas Adams

"Are you a teacher?" asked one of the nurse at the clinic where I did my medical checkup earlier this morning. I was kinda shocked but replied "yes" instantly. Yes, I am a teacher now but its kinda weird to admit it. I've never imagine that I'll be able to be a teacher and here I am. I've always have a perception that the title "teacher" is sacred and the person who hold this title is someway special. I am not that special. I still think that I'm not qualify even though I've learned 5 years to be one.

Life is just amazing. Things happened in a blink. A moment ago I'm still a student and then here I am. Teaching my students ABC. I miss all the time when I can skip writing my lesson plan and doing random thing with my friends. And now, here I am writing my lesson plan every single day. It is surprising that my student actually listen to me while I'm talking because sometimes I wonder myself, Am I actually teaching? When they can answer all of the questions for that day,I'm kinda woahhhh, I did teach them something today. And it makes me proud of myself. I actually did something to change their life and knowledge...Hurmmm I'm a teacher indeed ke3..

It is still too early for me to conclude anything about my new life as a teacher. I'm still a novice teacher but so far so good. I'm kinda like it hu3...I like the way how we try to make a person's life a better one by teaching them a new knowledge, a different perspective by opening a wider world for student in the rural area. I want to teach them everything that I know. I don't know what is waiting for me in the future but I'll try to stay positive.

My Blue Stickman

Ni nak tunjuk ckit BBM (bahan bantu mengajar) yang saya buat, buat simple je ke3..ni sy panggil "instant BBM"...simple but cute


1: Cari gambar stickman kat internet, pa per je..klu takder gambar yg dicari, cari je yg hampir-hampir sama & edit ckit...psl laptop sy takder perisian photoshop, so sy guna Picassa ngan Publisher je..simple...pas dah edit, print la


2: Next, guna marker utk tebalkan outline tangan & kakinya sbb senang sikit time nak gunting nanti....then, gunting time!!!!


3: Dah gunting!!!!!


4: Langkah seterusnya ialah melekat stickman tadi ke kertas berwarna...tak kisah la warna apa, janji bentuk stickman timbul..


5: Last step, lukiskan muka & rambut yang diingini....Tada!!!!!!!! Dah siap ..."Instant BBM" ke3 mcm instant mee plak, takpe la...ni BBM yg dibuat time malas..kira ok la, budak suka nampak, comel....so sapa yang berminat, meh la buat BBM bersama-sama...

SK Kuala Binyo: My new life begin

“Accept yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, your truths, and know what tools you have to fulfill your purpose.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free


Jetty

It's kinda freak me out when I saw this jetty for the first time but I guess I'll get used to it later..


SK Kuala Binyo signboard

Presenting....My school


Teacher's kuarters

My new home in a foreign land


School's building



I know that time will help me get use to this new enviroment..It's not as bad as I imagine...Sekolah pedalaman? Say YES, I'll do it!!!!!!!!I'll take the challenge!!!!!!

A Journey to Bumi Kenyalang: A Journey of Life

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson



1st Day

At last,the journey begin..Well its my second + alone again journey...Its my first time to Sarawak, a foreign place in my own country..hmmm well its my first flight alone..As soon as I arrive in Bintulu Airport, I contact a teacher from the school..He will pick me up at the airport and send me to an inn in front of the jetty.I'm really thankful for that he is a really friendly guy and he show me places and stuff and he even buy me lunch and breakfast (I feel bad for that as I didn't really like people spend me meal) Gosh I still regret letting him do that..And Bintulu and Sarawak is just a really far and foreign place for me.

2nd Day

Time to get on the boat for the first time to get to my school..Its nerve-wrecking coz I just didn't use to it..well it's not bad as it seem actually , kinda ok la...no motion sickness at all...as soon as we arrive at the school jetty, I looked around and was like "ow, ok..not bad"...And I walked on the trail made of wood to get to my arranged house...Luckily, my new housemate is really friendly and she show me where and how and basically help me to adapt to my new environmet...That night, I arranged all my stuff and prepare myself for what I may face the next day.....

To be continue............


p/s:worry bout the grammar error while writing this post but naah...whatever la

My very 1st Birthday Present

Before leaving for Sarawak in a few day, I saw a box of chocolate in beautiful blue ribbon and I smiled...Funny but I'm touched...Its was a present from my friends (Meow & Nanz) before our SPP interview last year..

As long as I remember, I've never get any gift for my birthday.Well actually, I did get a small blue pencil case in elementary school once but that didn't count coz I told my sister-in-law that its my birthday..And after that its a history, nobody actually care bout my birthday..Even I myself already forgetting bout it a long time ago...Its kinda sad actually coz its seem that its like nobody really care the day you were born in this world..

But the chocolate was an unexpected one...Meow was surfing in my room and I was in the bathroom..I came in and saw the box with a card. I read it and it said "Happy early birthday and eat it for your birthday - from Meow & nanz"...I looked at her and she smiled..I'm so touched, felt like for once in my lifetime someone actually care..Its kinda sad coz I'll be separate from them...gonna miss you guys..

Well, I guess one have to care for their own self right?..I guess in the future I'll celebrate it myself or with my new friends or I just go where my friends are...

The woman who lost her way

I think that my future crumble upon me when I got the news that I have to leave to other state for my teaching post. It felt that a heavy rock pound my heart thousand times and I just can't help laughing..Am I crazy? No, I'm laughing coz the unthinkable is always happen to me..Whatever and whenever I plan for something, Allah will always show the unthinkable road for me to follow...

I've already plan what i want to do in the next 5 years of my life, buy a car, a house, doing my master and such and it's only revolve in Sabah or maybe peninsular Malaysia..And seriously I never have a flinch about sarawak and there I am in a few days. Thing just getting worst when I don't know much bout Sarawak and it hit me that how am I gonna turn my plan into reality in a place that so strange to me. I spend the next days organizing everything in a track and the rest is in K.I.V as I have to see whats waiting for me in Sarawak.

I've searched a few quotes that may help me feel better.



“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.” - Lewis Carroll

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” - John Lennon

Maybe, well maybe my plan is just unreal and I have to wake up to see whats ahead.

“Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.” - Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

Absolutely right...After spending days in thought, I got a hunch that everything will be just fine or its maybe just my brain playing a defense mechanism against all of the bitter truth..Reality is harsh.I know that for a long time but when it keeps coming, its really hard for me to consume...Anyway, what I always tell myself when reality struck is everything happen for a reason and I will wait for that reason...

Giving an advise?

Aha!!!! It's my first post in 2012...It's a new year tapi sy x rasa excited plak...hmmm maybe there's something wrong wit me..anyway today I want to talk bout giving an advise to people..Baru jer lepas beri nasihat kat anak buah bout things tht she should really start to care ...especially in relationship wit family, how she should behave to avoid criticism & wht is more important in life..Felt like I'm gone to far..Am I?

It's not like I want to be a busybody in the family, but I saw her grow up and I saw how my family's member change in a hard way.. In all those time, I kind of understand wht they expect to and wht's not in their family..My niece is wht I called in a stage of a "teenager"...I am understand her need to be free and with her friends and things like tht ,but all of it comes out in a way tht older people think bad...

Then, I decide to give her a piece of advise on stuff like care bout other people especially her parent coz she will definitely depend on them if she want to have a better education and stuff like that...I just hope she will get wht I mean and change...well hope it didn't make it worse...

Gosh, why did I fell like I just make things worse..I felt bad, but I'm telling the truth, right?...Duh I'm talking to my self again..keep telling myself tht I'm not a busybody in other people's problem..she's my niece anyway...well, I hope everything will be just fine and she'll take my advise for good use