Reminiscence of my past..

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger” - Camus, Albert

Here I am again, late at night, alone, thinking, hurting and reminiscence of the past. The past where I used to be a teenager. Tonight, I don't know why but now I remembered why there was one time (okay, maybe more than just once) in the past that I want to run away from home so badly. This pain in my heart, it hurts so bad. I knew that its the past, and I don't exactly remembered what and how it happened, but the feeling that I felt at that time linger in my heart forever, just like it is now. The feeling of unsatisfied, controlled, weak, helpless, afraid, anger and etc but just can't let it out.

I know that the teenager's time was a time where a person build their character and prepare for the next phase of life, guided and not just left hanging alone. When I look back at those times, it pissed me off. Those feeling from that time still haunt me today because the trigger is still the same. Yeah, I do have a lot of good memories from the past but when I go back home, I'm stuck in these horrible feeling again.

Yeah, I admit that I want to run away. Before and even now. But I just don't have the gut to do it before. I've got nowhere to go. But its different now that I got a job at a far away place. So, in the end I force myself to bear with it. Every family have problems. Mine as well. Words can be sharper than arrow and pierce my heart completely. It hurts. Everytime, everyday and everywhere I heard those stupid words.

Even now, I'm all grown up but still couldn't get away with it. I love my family like a lot but some people just took it for granted. FGS I'm not a child anymore, I'm 24 already. Stop making me feel like I'm nothing. Please wake up..Gush don't make me hates you cause I'm starting to..

"This pain is just too real, these wounds won't seem to heal, there's just too much that time cannot erase"

P/S: Just writing the words in my mind and the feeling that comes with it.

“Questioning anything within doubt,will just bring mind to no certainty.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Two things that I love yet hate at the same time are home & night. Just realize it just now but these two affect my life more than I can think of. Both of it have the similarities of causing me having the thought of " I can't do it", "I'm not confidence", "Can I do it ?" etc..Both of these time cause me having doubt in my capabilities.

Yeah, I think that I'm fragile at home and night. For example, when something came up I think rationally & make a really thought decision about it. But when I'm in bed at night, I'll start thinking irrational and re-thinking my decision. Same goes when I'm at home. I'll start feeling insecure, in confident and doubting myself. Thought of stuff like " Am I capable of doing it ?", "What if I doing that instead of doing this?" This will circle around my head and bother me all day long. Gosh..I'm helpless. Maybe because I'm too pampered or too dependent on my family that I can't do anything on my own. Maybe I just can't do anything without anyone beside me. I dun know. Even now I'm doubting my grammar.

Ow man, this is terrible. Maybe I'm just not a risk-taker. Maybe I'm just afraid that I will regret my decision or action later. Maybe ow maybe. The word "maybe" repeat like a million times already. Just ignore me, I'll just scroll for funny tumblr and forget about everything...yeah EVERYTHING!!!

Siang, Malam Dan Subuh

Siang, Terang cahayamu tak mampu menerangi hatiku yang suram, Aku hanya mampu melihat cahaya harimu berlalu pergi, Sehari bagaikan sesaat, Berlalu sekelip mata. Malam, Gelapmu menerangi hidupku, Andainya kau boleh berkata-kata, Menemaniku di kala ku sendiri, Mententeramkan jiwaku yang kosong ini, Ku senang akan hadirmu, Seandainya kau tidak mengalah pada subuh, Akan ku setia di sisimu. Subuh, Ku senang akan dakapanmu, Akan tetapi hadirmu membawa berita, Siang datang menjelma, Dan aku harus menempuh realiti, Realiti kehidupan pada waktu terang cahaya..