feel like I'm dying's moments?

This is one of the time of my life when I face the cruelty of life. Everything went wrong and happened exactly the opposite for what you have planned. Everything is a mess. I lost in my own thought, keep touching my toes, something swelled in my lungs but just can't figure what it is, feels like crying but no tears, I just feel like I'm dying from all of the problem.

I know that life isn't always fair, but I never know that it could be this cruel. I've plan like everything in my life but failed. But it's alright, I get it. So I plan again and again and again and its keep failing. Somewhere, somehow its making me want to give up everything. There was a moments when I felt so weak inside and alone. Its not like I'm alone like alone but people around me just couldn't do anything either to help me. I get that. That is why I feel weak, helpless and lonely.

I got so much to do but I can't seem to focus on one of it. Just lost in my own thought for hours. Crying? Its not enough to describe my feeling. Can I wish that everything was just a nightmare and when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be like nothing happen? Yeah, right..The voice in the back of my head scream IN YOUR DREAMS!!!!!

well, I guess I gotta gather my soul and every last drop of whats left of me to face my problem and walk down that grown up world...Yeah, lets do that

Love or to be loved?

“When I look in the mirror, I know I’m looking at someone who isn’t sure she deserves to be loved at all.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

I remembered when I was riding a bus from KL to Kajang last month, there was an old couple sitting beside me. They were holding hand. The couple were like in their mid 50's. They kept talking about their children. One time the old lady asked her husband whether its cold in there and took out a small blanket for them. Its so sweet to saw something like that. Even though they've married for a long time, they still have "the thing" that keep them together. I'm not really sure whether its love that keep them together but isn't nice to have someone staying with you for the rest of your life.

I like the idea of having someone loved you for being you, you loving them as well, taking care of each other, share the pain & the joy etc. I love to have that kind of connection with someone. I'm jealous of the people that have the chance to do so. And for me, its not the time yet. I just didn't meet the right person yet.

Sometimes, when I saw those couple I'll will ask myself where have I done wrong. I'll wait for my Mr Right but sometime I'll become impatient and keep asking myself why. Am I don't deserve to be loved or where did I've done wrong? I guess I'm not gonna find the answer now but soon. I'll just have to be a little patient. He'll be here. Soon.

Far from reality

“At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Just when I feel safe and comfortable with my new life, things happened and break my comfortable cocoon. I hate changes. It makes me feel insecure. I intend to stay in this way for 2 or 3 years more until I have more experience in this job and become a more mature person but Allah just have other plan for me. I don't know and I don't want to expect anything. That is because everything that I was expecting for didn't actually go the way that I expected. I'm just tired to think what will happen next. Life is harsh and unexpected. Reality is just cruel.

It is not us to tell what is right and wrong...

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
― Paulo Coelho

Personally I don't mind when other criticize me for my wrongdoing or when I'm making a mistake. I admit it that it is a right thing to do. But sometime its end up causing me feel irritated. Why? It is not about what they are saying but it is about how they say it. Its the way they talked, the word they choose, their gesture when they say it etc.

My friend know me as a "no feeling" person. It is because in a situation that a person should get mad, I just don't. It is just that I don't mind. But when its get into me, I'll really get mad. Sometime they just took me for granted.They'll just randomly say thing but they just don't realize that its hurting me like a lot. Criticize me, I don't mind but please choose a better word. It hurts more especially when its your so called "Friend". Isn't they suppose to be the one who understand us more.

I just want to say that I HAVE FEELING TOOOO!!!!!Please consider that...