Worst time of my life

24 Ogos 2014,
10.00 pm
26 years old

I think this is the worst time of my life especially today. Not physically but mentally. I feel tht nothing work out in my life right now. I don't know but I think this is the worst feeling ever. Feeling worthless. Feeling fragile like I might break any time soon. This is the time tht I ask question on what is the purpose of my life. Astagfirullah. I feel lonely. I feel nothing good come out of me. I feel tht I've got nothing tht I'm good at.

Aku insan yang lemah. Sometimes it crossed my mind that maybe if I was a little better, a little more active, smarter, prettier, friendly etc..A little more than I have now...But I know that even if I have it, it would never enough.

Astagfirullah. I know this is his test to me. This is one of Allah's test to me. Some people tested by having everything they want. But I guess for me, its by not having what I want. I will keep praying. I know that he will never let me down.

Married couple ....

Well, I've wrote a post about my housemate's husband staying in our "single" house..I still didn't and can't change my opinion bout it...I strongly believe that a husband shouldn't stay at their wife's house especially when her housemate is still single...And the reason are:
★ the housemate will feel uncomfortable with the idea / situation of a stranger living in the same house as her
★ its not uncomfortable to wear scarf all the time. A house suppose to be a place for us as a woman to be free in term of how we dress ourself...having a guy inside the house make us stuffy especially when the guy is not our muhrim ( come on la )
★ Please la...y'all don't have to show ur affection towards each other so much that it'll make me sick ...sleeping on her/his lap, cuddling, that cutey mutey voice.. come on la, don't need to give us a free show...I saw it a lot in movies but seeing it live doesn't make me ok with it..I know that married couple are married but please consider the single one on the house..seriously, I am not jealous but loathed
★ Guys, please la don't stay too long at your wife house...it's maybe a heaven for you to be so close to ur wife but its hell for their housemate...please be considerate to others and please be a mature husband
★ And wife, I know you love ur husband and want to be close to him but please think of others...just go to a hotel if you have to, having him staying a night or two maybe ok if its an emergency and he act appropriately

I am not think highly of myself and I know that it's hard to be away from husband especially for the newlyweds and pregnant women but in the same time, please consider the people around you especially your friends ....well, Adios...just stating my opinion, no hard feelings k....

I'm a sensitive Girl/Woman....

I kinda realize one thing recently, that I'm a sensitive girl aka woman...Yeah I am..My housemate recently brought her husband to stay in our house..I mean in a house full of unmarried woman..yeah..She did kinda mention it before but I thought she was just kidding<....I don't know but no matter how hard I try to think and reasoning about her action, it just doesn't feel right to me, feel so inappropriate...yeah I know that its a different room but it just so uncomfortable to know that there other people in the house (a man) and practically a stranger..ouw it make me felt so unsafe..and with all of the ...I dun know..seriously it is really awkward..I felt like running away oo..please la be sensitive for the sensitive people..whatever...

Little changes lead to big impact

Sjak dah berkereta ni, mmg terasa Perbezaannya. I feel that life have become easier even though I have more resPonsibility than before.... Ya la Kan, dIu klu Nak p Mana2 mesti t'Paksa tebalkan Muka nak tumpang org... .... N0w,I can leave whenever I want..... Ha ha ha.... skrg dah boleh Cari pasal ngan org dah<...I admit that I'm not that really kindhearted person in th World, and I have a lot of Complain .. .So, before this I have to restrain myself from speaking out loud my though, but now I Can do it a as much as I Want hu3, -.. But not too Much la smpi org Ckp "Sombong Plak dia ni bila ada kereta".-.....Anyway, my point is that If You Can get a car, try to get One especially if its One of your main transportation to your office or School etc... Kurangkan MenyusahKan org especially org merantau nii.-.. Biar Susah Sndri, jgn sshkan Org puIa-....,

My Dreams come True.......

I finally did it...I achieved one of my long wanted dream, to own a car, TOYOTA Rush...I know tht for some people its maybe a normal thing to happen to a person but for me its a big step to become an adult. First, becoming a teacher and now a car, wow ...I'm a big girl now....

I've been thinking to get a car for some time now but I kept postponed it until recently, something happened...Its not that I have no transport going to town but let just say that we just couldn't depends on other people so much that it hurt my pride....

So I gathered all my wit and manage to get my dream car...Money wasn't the problem, not because I'm wealthy but there's alot of channel to solve ur money problem..

Then, comes one time when suddenly people talk...Why do you want that car? Why that, Why this, Why thoSe...I mean SO WHAT? Its not like I'm asking you guys to pay for my car or something like that...it's something that I want.. so what? Its not like I gonna let you ride my car..duhhh...let me be k ...sniffing on other business. ..Even my family didn't say anything bout my choice, and what's their right to do that, questioning my decision/choice. .. (Marah ni!!!!) And now, those people keep asking me when they can ride the new car...duhh those peoples who never support my decision (piss me off)....

Anyway, now I have it...my car, dream car..hu3 still can't believe that I have a big car..I've been in a daze for few weeks now..and now its already the car's first service...Well I mean, this whole thing make me realize about a lot of thing, about life, about people around me, friends and a lot more...matured me in a way that I don't expect at all...

Reminiscence of my past..

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger” - Camus, Albert

Here I am again, late at night, alone, thinking, hurting and reminiscence of the past. The past where I used to be a teenager. Tonight, I don't know why but now I remembered why there was one time (okay, maybe more than just once) in the past that I want to run away from home so badly. This pain in my heart, it hurts so bad. I knew that its the past, and I don't exactly remembered what and how it happened, but the feeling that I felt at that time linger in my heart forever, just like it is now. The feeling of unsatisfied, controlled, weak, helpless, afraid, anger and etc but just can't let it out.

I know that the teenager's time was a time where a person build their character and prepare for the next phase of life, guided and not just left hanging alone. When I look back at those times, it pissed me off. Those feeling from that time still haunt me today because the trigger is still the same. Yeah, I do have a lot of good memories from the past but when I go back home, I'm stuck in these horrible feeling again.

Yeah, I admit that I want to run away. Before and even now. But I just don't have the gut to do it before. I've got nowhere to go. But its different now that I got a job at a far away place. So, in the end I force myself to bear with it. Every family have problems. Mine as well. Words can be sharper than arrow and pierce my heart completely. It hurts. Everytime, everyday and everywhere I heard those stupid words.

Even now, I'm all grown up but still couldn't get away with it. I love my family like a lot but some people just took it for granted. FGS I'm not a child anymore, I'm 24 already. Stop making me feel like I'm nothing. Please wake up..Gush don't make me hates you cause I'm starting to..

"This pain is just too real, these wounds won't seem to heal, there's just too much that time cannot erase"

P/S: Just writing the words in my mind and the feeling that comes with it.