Love? Love? Love?

“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.” ― Chuck Palahniuk Love is a mysterious thing. I'm always amaze how "love" can turn a person's life upside down. How it can bring pain and happiness to a person's life. For me, "love" brings more pain. It is always end before it started. Its hurt than breaking up. At least when I'm breaking up with someone, I know that it is over between us. But when it comes to unrequited love, the pain is unbearable. I read a status of a friend of mine in FB "Sometimes you hurt yourself more than anyone, only for keeping your feelings hidden". Yeah, I guess I can relate to that. I keep my feeling for myself a few time now and in the end, it is me who got hurt. I just don't have that courage to take the first step. And as times goes by, my crush got a girlfriend or worse, I give it up because the pain for loving them secretly is unbearable. In the end, I force myself to see them as a friend in a hard way. Call me a coward in love but it is hard for me to start first. I just don't have the confidence to say "I like you" because I'll always think that I myself is not good enough especially in my appearance (Ok, I admit it. I'm not a so called "pretty girl"). There's one time when I started to have that feeling again and I actually (finally) have the courage to started the first step..And well, he kinda responded to me (gosh, he's so cute)..But you know the feeling when you talking to a person that you like and somehow you just got the eerie, uneasy feeling. Like something is wrong. Well, I got that feeling when I'm talking to him. It turns out that he have a girlfriend (a pretty one :( ) but he still want to be friend with me. Gosh, I try to pass it and accept him as a normal friend, but I just can't. Its hurt when I saw their picture together and the way he treated me (like a normal friend)..It breaks my heart. And so, I decided to not to keep in touch with him anymore . Hope that he is happy with her. And now, it started again. Its been a few years after the other guy thing. And as expected, it is the same case again. The famous case of the unrequited love of mine. When I saw him for the first time, I knew that I'm going to get myself in a trouble again. I try not to think about it (him) but it just keep getting stronger. I can't stop thinking about him. It was a torture. I can't stay my eyes out of him. And then comes second week, third week, fourth week and it continues..But then I heard a news about him with other girl..And so here we are again, battling inside. My mind vs my heart. My mind says it is impossible between us and my heart says I'm so in love with him. But I think my mind is winning by reasoning: First: It is impossible between us Second: He doesn't even like you & just see you as a friend Third: Please wake up, he is not for you, hes in love with someone Starting the first step? Again? See how it goes? NO!!! I'm done with it. I'm not gonna do it anymore like the last time. I might get hurt again. Call me a coward but I better end it before it start. Either one, the result is the same. I'll just end up hurting myself again. Sometimes, I think that "love" irritate me. Sometimes I wish that my heart is cold so that I won't get that feelings and won't get hurt again. I guess I'll just wait for my "Mr Right" to find me. My heart is wearing out. I'm just tired. And for now, lets just wait and see how it go. “Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?” ― James Patterson p/s: Lots of error in my grammar but can't help it..Its been a long time since I write something in English.

I'm a Teacher?

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
― Douglas Adams

"Are you a teacher?" asked one of the nurse at the clinic where I did my medical checkup earlier this morning. I was kinda shocked but replied "yes" instantly. Yes, I am a teacher now but its kinda weird to admit it. I've never imagine that I'll be able to be a teacher and here I am. I've always have a perception that the title "teacher" is sacred and the person who hold this title is someway special. I am not that special. I still think that I'm not qualify even though I've learned 5 years to be one.

Life is just amazing. Things happened in a blink. A moment ago I'm still a student and then here I am. Teaching my students ABC. I miss all the time when I can skip writing my lesson plan and doing random thing with my friends. And now, here I am writing my lesson plan every single day. It is surprising that my student actually listen to me while I'm talking because sometimes I wonder myself, Am I actually teaching? When they can answer all of the questions for that day,I'm kinda woahhhh, I did teach them something today. And it makes me proud of myself. I actually did something to change their life and knowledge...Hurmmm I'm a teacher indeed ke3..

It is still too early for me to conclude anything about my new life as a teacher. I'm still a novice teacher but so far so good. I'm kinda like it hu3...I like the way how we try to make a person's life a better one by teaching them a new knowledge, a different perspective by opening a wider world for student in the rural area. I want to teach them everything that I know. I don't know what is waiting for me in the future but I'll try to stay positive.